Unreality check: The made-up case against Tim Cook

Can you believe Tim Cook is still CEO of Apple? Man, how many times does this guy have to screw up to get fired?

Writing for The Huffington Post (motto: "Come for the Apple bashing, stay for "Here's What Happens When You Put Canned Ravioli In 2,000-Degree Lava"), Bill Robinson has Tim Cook all figured out.

"AppleWatch: Android Clobbering iPhone & Cook's Short Slide to Insignifigance" (no link, but a tip o' the antlers to @kindaran and Peter Ryan)

ENGAGE HYPERBOLIC DRIVE! READY THE EXAGGERATRON! ALL POWER TO THE BOMBASTALATORS!

Not watching the video of the ravioli in the lava instead of reading this is just one of the Macalope's many poor life choices.

Watch as Cook, the "gentle man with a soft spot for numbers," attempts to use a confusing plethora of numbers and statistics to further lock-in and bolt-down clueless Apple iOS-bots.

As far as sick burns go, that one's feeling well enough to go to school today.

The video Robinson embeds is quick cuts of Cook saying only numbers from the WWDC Keynote. He quotes numbers! What a fraud. The video is funny, but you could do that with any company's keynote. Admittedly, the numbers from a BlackBerry keynote would all be negative, but they're still numbers.

There is context to Cook's numbers, context that the video completely removes for humorous effect. But we are not interested in pesky context here. No, Tim Cook says many numbers and when you remove any reference to what he's talking about they are revealed to be lies.

This is not Robinson's first trip down Apple Sux Lane. Probably because he lives on a cul-de-sac at the end of Apple Sux Lane.

I clearly recall as Jobs' death approached, the Apple faithful's...

Bzzt.

...fear and loathing about who might replace "the single greatest inventor to grace the world since Thomas Edison or Nikola Tesla."

Whoa, that's a pretty big statement. The Macalope wonders which of the "Apple faithful" said that. John Gruber? Jim Dalrymple? The Macalope himself?

Turns out the link is to a piece by David Ruddock... who writes for Android Police.

See, Robinson doesn't care. He just hopes you won't click through to see who said that. Or, heck, he doesn't care if you do, you're already reading his piece. The ads have been served. His mission has been accomplished.

Well, I was right. Cook has all the earmarks of a desperate man, treading water furiously while trying not to swallow too much water and go under.

Yeah, those record profits and sales are really going to kill a WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

All anyone has to do--and I did--is take a look around the morning bus or subway. It used to be vastly weighted toward iPhones in use; now, Androids and particularly Samsung Galaxys are becoming the dominant devices.

All anyone has to do is watch an episode of Arrow. It's nothing but Microsoft Surfaces. Not an iPad or MacBook Air to be found. Clearly, Apple is doomed.

Now, if Robinson's bus or subway car is bigger than China, maybe there'd be cause for concern. As it is, however, not so much.

Now, I don't have time here, nor time in the context of my overall life to fully dissect all of Cook's misrepresentations...

No, I just have time to link to a couple of context-less videos and string together some absurd anecdotes. Then it's off to lunch!

Cook, like his megalomaniac predecessor certainly would have...

So, Cook is like Steve Jobs? So confused now.

...reasserted the fundamental lie that Android was more susceptible to malware than Apple's iOS.

There are very few serious security researchers who doubt this is true in any way. Most of the ones who say it's otherwise are trying to get Apple to open iOS to their crappy antivirus software. There are benefits to Android's more open architecture, but they come at a cost.

Proof of Cook's inaccuracies, for anybody interested enough to care, can be found in the Business Insider' article entitled "Google Just Demolished Tim Cook's Case Against Android."

Let's just say a Business Insider piece by Jim Edwards has all the clout of Donald Trump opining on how great Donald Trump is. Like dropping a hammer on a planet with a positive gravity and just knowing it'll fall, you don't have to see what Edwards has written to know that it'll be anti-Apple.

So, according to Robinson, Google only tells the truth, Apple only tells lies. Got it. Good info. Glad for the clarification. Seems reasonable, not sure why we didn't pick up on this before. When Tim Cook says iOS is more secure, he's desperate. When Sundar Pichai says Android is more secure, he's "filled with very real facts and numbers". Tim Cook's numbers: Lies. Pichai's numbers: Real facts. Important to know. Please update your player cards.

Here's Robinson's take on the Apple Watch:

Another "imperfect," overpriced product, too-late and too-far-behind the superior Pebble Steel and Samsung Gear.

Which... ugh, what's a mythical beast supposed to do with that burnt-out husk of an argument? You can't even light it on fire, it's utterly inert. Apple sold more Watches in a weekend than Android Wear did in all of 2014. Facts. What are they? Who knows?

Even Taylor Swift can kick Tim Cook's (and Eddy Cue's) butt.

"Even" Taylor Swift kicked Apple's butt! Hang on, the Macalope has to add Robinson to BroWritersWhoDenigrateTaylorSwift.tumblr.com.

Taylor Swift is a freaking empire. Her work is an incredibly important product that Apple couldn't afford to not have on their virtual shelf. That gives her power. But she must be denigrated in order to make Apple look weak.

What matters, what's really important is how good are his leadership skills? Can he manage Apple?

I don't believe he can.

He's already been doing it! Since before Jobs died! He's one of, it not the, most effective living CEOs by any measure, except the "number of Samsung Galaxy phones I saw on a bus that one time" index.

The Macalope knows you've got to move ad impressions, but is it too much to ask that your extravagant diatribes against Apple be remotely rooted in reality?

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